And then later on that morning, I was freaking out — totally overwhelmed with the overgrown state of our house — when I told my kids that if they didn't pick up the toys, just that pile of cuisinaire rods, as they flipped and flopped all over the floor in protest, that I would call their cousins and tell them not to come over.
What the what?
I wanted the cousins to come over so it wasn't even a threat I would follow-through on. But threats seem to come out that way.
And the irony was not lost on me — what kind of parent am I? Who believes in one thing but does another?
Sometimes I just can't take the contradictions that live inside me. How can I spend the evening deep-down listening to my child and then wake up in the morning and make threats?
Sigh....
So then I get to spend some time with the big, bad critic who shows up and wants to beat me down for not being a perfect mother. Now, all these years later, I am much more able to talk to her and she is mostly muted and I don't go down the rabbit hole of despair and self-loathing with her anymore.
So that's a plus.
But still... the contradictions. I want to choose to see them and feel them, which sometimes I am able to do, at least a little bit, so I can learn from them. I no longer try to get rid of them, and I think that helps.
Sometimes I joke around... like "Hey! Who let Mean-Mama in?" Sometimes I apologize from my heart, when the ache of true remorse arises and I am open and ready. Sometimes we talk about it, and I acknowledge the contradiction to my kids. And sometimes I just fade away a little until I can feel more whole again.
Sometimes I say things that cause harm. Sometimes I don't.
Stacy, I can't tell you how much your honesty helps me. I am frequently confounded by my own contradictory actions, and am still sometimes at the "down the rabbit hole" stage in self recrimination. Reading your posts though, somehow helps me forgive myself for my shortcomings. Thank you, from my heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing; it definitely helps me to process me own thoughts and experiences. I see these contradictions in myself as well. A separation between meditating on compassion and empathy, and finding myself in my lizard brain completely overcome by my emotions. Learning to take that in stride and take something positive away, without continuing the tirade or turning it on myself, is proving to take a lot of diligence.
ReplyDeleteI think that when our apology comes from the heart and with deep respect, our children understand...they see that sometimes we just freak out too. Just like them. Because we too are human after all. But we love them. And we try. And the fact that you THOUGHT about your feelings and threats and know the right thing is what makes ALL the difference.
ReplyDeleteyeah, met oo. thanks for being so honest and forthcoming. it really does help to know that we're all in this together :)
ReplyDeleteit always feels better knowing that there are others with my same shortcomungs
ReplyDeleteYou know, when I say contradictory things I am usually emotional, tired, pmsing, or irritated about something, and it has nothing to do with what I truly believe.
ReplyDeleteAnd my kids know this. And they know I will apologize, which of course I do, A LOT. I think you are so right in not trying to get rid of the contradictions. I believe they are there to help us grow, in humility, awareness, and healing. The other silver linings are the hugs and love I get from the kids who know me best, when I am at my best, and especially when I am not. Thanks for a wonderfully reflective post :).
yes, i am soaking in this same ocean. i know we spoke privately about the inner critic, and how i am still learning to listen to my insides, and finding things i wasn't aware of that have been in there a while, and working with them is new and hard work. and the first reaction sometimes for me, instead of working and talking with them, is a lot of times to talk about them "why am i so this or that" judging/criticizing my feelings. notice and allow them is the thing, just like we want to notice and allow our kids stuff. and then that next threat that comes out of me, that i wasn't even aware of being in there, is going to get treated the same: wow looky here, i notice that a threat is coming out that i didn't even want to say! (notice, allow. maybe someday notice it while it's still inside, before it comes out...) keeping it all in awareness is never going to be perfect, it's a practice, a path. and i am right there with you on the contradictions: not "trying to get rid of them" seems key somehow. self empathy, gentleness with the mama self. i am a big fan of emerson's famous quote about "a foolish consistency" and i think it relates to this topic. i choose inconsistency, if it means i at least sometimes get to aspire towards being a way i truly believe in, rather than consistently doing something i don't believe in at all (tough love).
ReplyDeleteOh Stacy, your honesty softens every hard edge that exists within me. I thank you for that. <3
ReplyDeleteI have my days where contradictions seem to take over. It's like I'm someone else watching myself be a parent I don't want to be. I have the awareness around it and notice the slip ups as soon as they happen. Sometimes I'm not strong enough to say, "Hey...that wasn't cool of me." I'm working on that. But sometimes it's perfect because Isaac will call me on it. As someone else mentioned - he knows me best and knows what I will and won't do. There is nothing like a child calling you on your shit to wake you up. :) Recently, when I've apologized from my heart...he gets it. Eats it right up. It's gorgeous. Going to do more of that. xo
oh everyone. thank you. it's so funny because I feel like so much of what you are all saying is in the post i wrote but then i look and it's not really there so hearing your words and your stories and perspectives fills me up, gives me a sense of understanding and resolve, of forgiveness and fortitude -- you've articulated all the corners i've been hiding. clarity! and connection. xo --s
ReplyDeleteThis is powerful medicine. Just the stuff to get to the heart of who I want to become as I parent, even now as my kids are big.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I said aloud, "I love being a parent. It's one of my two favorite things." and my daughter heard me. She asked why.
"Because my buttons get pushed and I get a chance to see who I am and soften my harder edges." That's the privilege of parenting.
You've pointed it out here with perfect astute observation. Thank you so much. What a gem.
I love this:
ReplyDelete"But still... the contradictions. I want to choose to see them and feel them, which sometimes I am able to do, at least a little bit, so I can learn from them. I no longer try to get rid of them, and I think that helps."
Choosing not to fight the confusion and accept it as it is lightens everything that much more.
Thank you.