Sibling Apology

Yesterday morning, I was downstairs putting clothes in the dryer when I heard Orlando yell out. “Aaaaaahhhh! Mama! Come here, I need you right now!”

I yelled that I was coming and he said it again, “Mama, I need you right now!!”

I ran up the stairs and into the living room, where I saw Orlando standing in front of Mica, holding his hand in a fist, ready to punch him. Orlando was crying and he said, “Mama, I need you to help me right now! Mica hurt me and I am going to hit him!!”

I scooped Orlando up – saying to him, “I am so glad you asked me for help, Boo” – and we went into the bathroom and sat on the stool. We have been working on him asking me for help (and me following through) when he feels like he wants to hurt Mica, and I was surprised, and so grateful, that he did it.

I held him in my arms and he told me, “Mica threw the knight at me and it really hurt me, and I worked so long to make it and now it is all apart and I feel so angry and I was going to hit him!”

“I know, you’re disappointed, and your body hurts. You feel angry!”

“I worked so long to make it!”

And so it went, as we wound down, him telling me and me reflecting back, until he hopped off my lap and said, “It’s okay, I can make the knight again.” I felt so tingly and alive that I had had the presence of mind (and heart) to hold whatever was going on for him. All this I know, of course, but practicing when I am overwhelmed can be difficult.

He started to leave the room, so I asked him if he was ready to talk to Mica and he said yes. We went out and I told Mica that brother’s body was hurt when he threw the knight and that brother was sad because he had worked hard to put the knight together.

Mica went to Orlando and said, “Sorry, Anano.”

And Orlando said, “Bleh!” and walked away. And then Mica started saying, “I mad at you, Anano!!”

Hm.

“Orlando,” I said, following him into the other room with Mica behind me still yelling that he was mad, “I thought you said you were ready to connect. Mica came to you with an open heart and now you guys are in conflict again.”

I crouched down between them.

Orlando said, “Yeah, okay, I’m ready to connect.” And in that mercurial way of children, he really meant it.

Mica piped in, “Sorry, Anano.”

“I'm sorry, Mica. I love you.”

“I love you, Anano.”

And then, right before my astonished eyes, they hugged each other.



* * Here's another post about listening. * *

* * And a post about trying to give up coercion. * *

* * And one more, this one about empathic listening when you think your child is not telling the truth. * *