Don't tell me what to do

I don't like the way coercion feels. I don't like to coerce others. I don't like to be coerced. (This is because of counterwill.)

But have you ever noticed how much coercion there is in our society? Some of it is subtle and some of it is overt, some of it is gentle and some of it is violent, but it all boils down to the basic formula: "If we disagree over something, I'll dominate you (lest I be dominated)."

I didn't realize the degree to which this formula was woven into very simple, and often well-intentioned, interactions until very late in life. I felt the negative effects but I could never directly pinpoint the reason.

When I fell in love with Rom, there was a great sense of ease in our being together. There was no angst in our relationship. I wanted to be a better person, and I was. It was amazing. Then, becoming a parent amped up those feelings of fulfillment and balance. I was beginning to understand cooperation on a whole new level, and starting to see coercion for the ubiquitous pathology that it is.

I remember as Orlando approached one-year-old, parents around me started talking about how "willful" their babies were, and how they needed to discipline them (meaning, the kid needed to do exactly what the parent wanted them to do or they risked punishment). It sounded, and felt, distinctly wrong to me.

I recently read this quote in Momma Zen, by Karen Maezen Miller:

The mother of a teenager once said to me, 'I remember when they're about eight months old and their ego begins to develop. It's not pretty.' Neither is your own ego, and you don't have to wait eight months for it to appear! I can see now how much of motherhood, from the very first hour, carries the early warning signs of ego warfare. I want to sleep. She wants to eat. I need to do this. She needs to do that. Not again. Again. It can feel as though someone were eating you alive. And what is being eaten is your ego.

It seems ridiculous to talk about infant care as combat. Your baby's needs are pure and uncontrived. They are not manipulations. They are not strategic assaults. They are just assaults, relentless and evolving, against the way you want things to be.

...

I'm talking about the shocking realization that can come to you, many times a day, that you are duking it out with a ten- or twenty-pounder for no other reason than to have it your way. ... There is nothing wrong with wanting to empty the dishwasher. But how far will I carry this flag into the fury of the fight?

I realized fairly early on that I wanted to put down the flag. I started seeking out parents who were like-minded. I started reading books about parenting, specifically about peaceful parenting. I took heart in knowing that there was some middle ground: my choices weren't limited to dominating my child or "giving in" to my child. I could be something called a backbone parent, an authentic parent, a joyful parent, a nonviolent parent...

The choices were numerous, and I am not embarrassed to say that I read those books voraciously, as if drinking in formulas I never knew I was hungry for. I was learning about being non-coercive. I was learning to follow my own heart.

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. — Buddha

My reason, my common sense, and my heart wanted to put the flag down. My ego wasn't so ready. It still wants to hoist the flag, sometimes many times a day. Sometimes very far into battle.

And yet, each time I pick up that flag, it gets a little heavier, more noticeable in my hands. I don't like the way it feels.

When I start to lift that flag and feel the weight of it in my hands, I try to remember what it feels like to have empty hands, what it feels like when I let the flag be.

I try to imagine the flag, fluttering there, of its own accord, between my children and I... a banner of the battles we choose not to fight. A banner of harmony, equanimity, and acceptance.

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For inspiration about bringing non-coercion into your parenting, sign up for Scott Noelle's Daily Groove email. Or visit his site, EnjoyParenting.