It is a cycle I know around here very well.
Except, I don't want to be perfect. I just want to feel peaceful.
Truthfully, I feel like my bar is pretty low...
- I want to feel connected to my children, not irritated and overwhelmed
("Shut up, kids! Leave me alone!")
- I'd like to do some writing
("Shut up, kids! I'm writing about peaceful parenting!")
- I want my home to support my endeavors, not continually create stress from its chaos
("Where are my shoes!? Has anyone seen my shoes!?)
- I want to have an conversation with my husband, not code-speak that ends up interrupted
("So, today -- Can you stop jumping up and down, waving your arms, shaking your head, and screaming at the top of your lungs so Papa and I can talk?")
But, alas, it seems that these things ARE too much to ask. Things around here can fall apart REALLY HORRIBLY, REALLY FAST.
Such as, one day, I'm meditating every night, having lots of new ideas for my writing and actually writing them, cleaning up the dinner dishes, smiling at my kids, talking to my husband when SUDDENLY, the very next instant, I am giving my meditation cushion the evil eye, sitting at the computer for hours without writing, tripping over terrible filth and clutter, yelling at my children, and talking in monosyllables to my hubby.
Not doing any of these things in and of itself wouldn't be so bad, but it's that I feel (and act) so terrible during this time. And it seems like I stay there, in this very dark place, unable to will myself out of it, until a certain time or until something clicks, and then just as suddenly, I find myself typing a paragraph or two, feeling open-hearted to my kids, and scrubbing the inch-thick layer of caked-on food off the high-chair.
And there I am, starting all over again -- slowly climbing back up to being completely overwhelmed.
I've realized that this parenting gig is like adolescence. You know how you spent YEARS going up and down the roller coaster of shame, angst, and excitement, gaining new skills while all the while never seeming to be skillful enough?
Well, I'm in year five... and in the perpetual naivete of my motherhood, I ask:
Do you think this phase is almost over?
I just wrote about this the other day. I have been making a concerted effort to be at peace and Just Roll With It, to immerse myself in this moment, this place, this stage.
ReplyDeleteBecause when I don't? I feel just like an angsty, anxious teenager waiting for the next big thing to change her life.
It's a tough path to walk, isn't it? For what it's worth, I'm walking it with you, sister.
It is hard just to roll with the punches. It's like every other word out of my mouth is don't or no. Real conversations are out of the question. And then I think of adding a few more to the mix and I wonder if I'm crazy.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm not. This is just what my life is right now and I really wouldn't change a thing overall. But there are moments that I would gladly trade.
So I'll join you on your journey. If you get it all figured out, please tell me.
It's a hard balancing act: trying to do your best but also going with the flow. It seems easier to do your best than to chill, but chilling could be better for everyone at some point....
ReplyDeleteI just wrote about this too, about trying to do everything and ending up doing nothing well. And running in circles alot of the time.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some words of wisdom to share, but I'm struggling right along with you. It takes alot of work to just be at peace, and I haven't gotten there yet.
I just found you (through Alltop) and am so glad I did.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm in parenting year four already. In terms of adolescence, I'd guess (hope) I'm at about age 15.
I grew up in Anchorage. Those photos are lovely.
Thanks for the company, fine gals. :)
ReplyDelete@caro -- I couldn't find you or your blog (the link is broken). Would love to pay you a visit!
I'm in year 10 and child 4, and it doesn't seem to ever get any less challenging. Your tools and knowledge keep growing as long as you keep reading, talking, listening and brainstorming. OTOH, they keep coming up with new and different stages to test your good mama skills. :)
ReplyDeleteI never have gotten the hang of meditation but the two things that help me are:
a) remembering the quote from "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" (very child friendly despite the title) of "this moment is what it is" and letting go of thinking how things should be.
and
b) laughing.
Sometimes I think others think I'm crazy but I'd rather laugh than cry. :)
I wandered in from your guest post on CDG (I did one on surviving your 4 year old) and really enjoyed your post. Neat site!