January Goodies

The Goodies...

:: A new year's resolution that is all about starting over, each moment.

:: Doulas for the everyday. A brilliant idea!

:: The fifth thing: a mother's intuition.

:: Ten things MommyMystic has learned about 2012. An excellent read, especially because all her ideas apply to any other year, too.

:: From Momma Zen, who we know has a way with words: what attachment and non-attachment feels like.

:: Need help translating ye olde crummy feelings into NVC? Use the Jackal Dictionary!

:: A great illustration of one mama's inner dialog during her son's meltdown.


Top commenters...

Lisa at MommyMystic

Nicki at Touching the Universe

Robin at woowoo mama


Top referring sites...

WishStudio
An inspiring community for creative women.

Sensible Living
Inspired by a more natural and noncoercive way of parenting and living.

The Organic Sister
Living organically through transition...

Holistic Mama
Intuition first.

Hip Mountain Mama
A crafty, green mama living the simple life in Colorado.

And more referrals from...

Journey Wildly, Plot 55, Superhero Journal, EcoYogini.

Thank you!

photo by Rangga Chandra

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Practicing Peace: How to Meditate

This is the seventh — and last! — post in my series Practicing Peace, in which I am sharing some of the practices I do throughout my days, including mindfulness, self-connection, and meditation. See the end of this post for links to all the posts in the series.

In the previous post, I talked about some of the general reasons I meditate, and in this one, I will share with you some instructions in case you want to sit down and sit still and see what comes up.

Here's how I do it.

Sitting Meditation for Beginners
adapted from senior insight meditation teachers

• Choose the amount of time you’d like to sit before you begin. It can be ten minutes, twenty, thirty. Three. :) Especially if you’re a beginner, I would recommend finding a time when you won’t be interrupted, but again, do what you can.
  

• Sit comfortably. Try to find a way of sitting that feels relatively comfortable for you and that allows you to be both relaxed and alert. (You can practice insight meditation wherever and however you want, but if you are trying to establish a practice, I’d suggest sitting rather than lying down).

• Close your eyes, and sit quietly for a few moments. Bring your attention to different parts of your body and let them relax. Your eyes... your mouth... let your hands rest softly... soften your belly.

• Bring your attention to your breath — to the rising and the falling of your abdomen with each breath. Just stay there being aware of it for however long you'd like, or until something else comes into the forefront of your awareness.

• Notice whatever is now in your awareness. If you hear children playing or birds chirping or a truck revving, notice it softly as “hearing.” If your mind wanders — and it will wander — notice that it's wandered. You might simply say to yourself, “thinking” or “wandering mind.” If you feel sensations in the body, you might note, “pressure” or “heaviness.”

• After you make that note, you can return to a feeling of relaxation (soft eyes, relaxed mouth, unrounded shoulders, soft belly) and bring your awareness to your breath. This can be a restful, stable place to be. When I notice myself writing blog posts, I say, “blogging,” and then I relax and return to my breath.

• There is no need to judge whatever you notice. ... thinking is not bad, just is. Whatever is coming into your attention, just is. Including judging. :)

• You don’t have to stay absolutely still the whole time, but try to be aware of when you’re moving, scratching an itch, readjusting, etc. Change positions if you feel uncomfortable, but again, try to be aware of your intention and energy while doing do so. And then relax, and return to the breath.

After about ten minutes, I can usually tell that I’m more settled. But sometimes I sit the whole time and never really feel settled. The point isn’t to reach bliss. The point is to become aware of what’s going on.

No matter how long I sit, I begin the same process over and over again.

Relax, notice, return to the breath.

Relax, notice, return.


I’m always beginning. So are you.

* ~ * If you want to do a little reading about meditation, here are a few things to get you started... * ~ *

Insight Meditation: A Step-by-Step Practice on How to Meditate (book + two CDs), by Sharon Salzberg and Joseph Goldstein

Beginning Meditation Instructions (online audio sitting meditation instructions, with bonus walking meditation instructions at the end) by Kamala Masters and Steve Armstrong

The Beginner's Guide to Insight Meditation (book) by Arinna Weisman

Meditation Myths Debunked (blog post) by Nadia Ballas-Ruta

28-Day Meditation Challenge (blog series) by Janice Lynne Lundy

Momma Zen (book) by Karen Maezen Miller

Buddhism for Mothers (book) by Sarah Napthali

I would recommend finding people in real life to practice with, if that's a possibility for you. Having someone to share my practice with, and to learn the teachings from and with, has been invaluable for me.

(You might have noticed that some of the book links go to my amazon store. If you were thinking of purchasing through Amazon, consider doing it through my store. I will use all the proceeds to purchase food and donate it to local food banks.)

This post is part of my Practicing Peace series:

Introduction
Mindfulness
Mindfulness (continued)
Self-connection
Self-connection (continued)
Meditation
How to Meditate

photo by mindfulness

Read more...

Practicing Peace: Meditation

This is the sixth post in my series Practicing Peace, in which I am sharing some of the practices I do throughout my days, including mindfulness, self-connection, and meditation. See the end of this post for links to all the posts in the series.

Meditation is the last topic in this series, but it is where my journey toward peace began, and it remains my foundation. All I knew, as I held a few-weeks-old Orlando, is that I felt a deep calling to explore and understand the connections between parenting, peace and community. It was like a yearning inside me, and I didn't really know where to begin. I thought vaguely... maybe Buddhism, maybe meditation.

I looked around and found a six-week introductory meditation course when Orlando was five months old, and I began learning how to meditate.

I am still learning.

For a long time, it didn’t really feel like anything was happening. I actually felt worse and more overwhelmed for a time (I later found out that this can happen as your awareness grows)… It is so common to fall into the idea that we need to be making progress and I was trying to assess my improvement so I could be a peaceful parent, like, right now! But even in the midst of that, I just kept sitting down and meditating.

Having a meditation practice is a way of fully entering your life, without reservation. When you meditate, when you sit and notice without assessing how you’re doing, you just show up for your life. In the moment of meditation, nothing is required of you. It’s enough to be here on the planet, to experience a moment of presence, to fully honor the gift of being alive. ...

If we don't show up for our own life, we tend to ask other people to fill in the bits we won't show up for. That makes it hard on them. So love begins with really showing up. And practice helps. — John Tarrant

That’s what I do when I sit on my jazzy little meditation bench. I show up. I practice.

Sometimes I fidget like mad, sometimes I feel really peaceful and calm. Sometimes I write blog posts in my mind. Sometimes I replay conversations. Sometimes I worry. Whatever I am feeling or thinking or scratching, my commitment, as long as I am sitting on that meditation bench (and hopefully beyond), is to do it with awareness and without judgment.

It's as simple as 1-2-3 infinity.

1. I notice what’s happening (“thinking,” “planning,” “rehearsing,” “feeling anxious”).
2. I relax, and find my soft-belly.
3. I notice what's happening (“hearing,” “thinking,” “tingly-ness”).
4. I relax, and find my soft-belly.
5. I breathe, and notice the feeling of my chest and stomach rising and falling.
6. I notice...

The Insight Meditation Society, based in Barre, Massachusetts, describes it this way:

Insight meditation (vipassana in Pali, the language of the original Buddhist teachings) is the simple and direct practice of moment-to-moment mindfulness. Through careful and sustained observation, we experience for ourselves the ever-changing flow of the mind/body process. This awareness leads us to accept more fully the pleasure and pain, fear and joy, sadness and happiness that life inevitably brings. As insight deepens, we develop greater equanimity and peace in the face of change, and wisdom and compassion increasingly become the guiding principles of our lives.

Sounds great, doesn't it? But you don't have to try for these things. You just have to show up.

To demystify the whole mediation experience, I’ll share with you what my sitting meditation practice looks like lately:

* ~ *

The kids and I wake up (all together in the same bed). Rom is already at work.

The kids play a bit on their own while I try to meditate, though more often, I have been choosing to wait until after breakfast.

We eat breakfast.

The kids play in their room while I meditate in the office (across the hall from them).

Sometimes I sit for ten minutes before someone comes in to ask, to tell, to cuddle.

Sometimes twenty. One day last week, I sat for twenty minutes and then journaled for at least another twenty. Now that was amazing!

Sometimes I sit for a few minutes, go downstairs to help Mica poop on the potty, and come back and meditate some more.

Sometimes I meditate for a few minutes, answer a question, meditate for a few minutes, hold a crying kid, meditate for a few minutes, get up and close the door, sit down, and say, “Forget it.” Sometimes I feel angry (unmet needs for continuity, quiet, aloneness). Sometimes I feel sad (unmet needs for continuity, quiet, aloneness). Sometimes I feel content (met needs for perspective and for presence/being with my children).

* ~ *

Six years ago, when I began, I hardly did sitting meditation at all. I was new to the practice. I was new to motherhood. I did what I could. I joined a Dharma and Parenting group, and our once-a-month meeting was sometimes the only time I sat.

When Mica was a baby, I sat upstairs while wearing him in the didymos and listened to guided meditations. I learned about and tried to bring mindfulness practices into our lives. Then when Mica was older, Rom took both kids while I meditated in the evening. But then I would stop meditating at home, sometimes for months. Then I would start again. Stop. Start.

That’s what I’m always doing: what I can. I am committed to showing up for the bits that I can. And bit by bit, breath by breath, I do.

If you’d like to start sitting, even for five minutes a day, I’ll share some more information about how-to in the next post.

This post is part of my Practicing Peace series:

Introduction
Mindfulness
Mindfulness (continued)
Self-connection
Self-connection (continued)
Meditation
How to Meditate

photo by mindfulness

Read more...

Practicing Peace: Self-Connection (continued)

This is the fifth post in my series Practicing Peace, in which I am sharing some of the practices I do throughout my days, including mindfulness, self-connection, and meditation. See the end of this post for links to all the posts in the series.

Here is the last self-connection technique I’ll share. I covered three others here.

Journaling
I learned a new journal format in my nonviolent communication class that basically goes like this: write down what's going on for you, and then give yourself empathy by guessing what feelings and needs are underneath the issue. It’s a little weird talking to yourself, but I have a long history of doing so, so it works fine for me.

I’m including an example I did this summer. I think it illustrates how NVC can help move me from a closed feeling of wanting to control to a more expansive, collaborative state of mind.

I wrote it after we had just returned from four days at my parents’ house. Orlando was acting extremely hyper, having trouble listening, making faces at me, seemingly spinning out of control.

In the example below, the words in regular type represent “judgment,” in which I am free to say anything about the issue, including about other people. The italicized words represent guesses at what feelings and needs might be under the judgments.

Here is a copy of what I wrote:

Orlando should not be so hyper, he should not be jumping up and down. He should listen to me and settle down.

Are you wishing you could have some peace and quiet?

Yes! Why do things have to be so crazy? Why is he so out of control?

Are you feeling curious and confused?

Yes. I feel completely out of control myself. I am unsettled, uncentered, agitated… I would like to be able to feel open and calm.

So it sounds like you're needing connection with him?

Yes, but it is like I am too irritated to make a connection. It is like we are repelling each other.

Are you feeling sad and disappointed because you would like to feel competent?

Yes! I would like to be able to better recover from those times when our family is "off."

I see.

I just feel so sick and tired of the same loop repeating itself over and over in our family. It is like we are stuck on some spinning wheel and as soon as things get tough, everything falls apart.

Are you feeling fatigued? Wishing that you had more support and resources? More skills? More collaboration?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes! I wish that everyone in our family had the habit of turning toward each other with the intent to construct rather than destruct… and at the very least, if we weren't ready to construct, then to adopt a practice of "do no harm."

It sounds as if you're feeling frustrated… because you're needing support, skills, and collaboration (same as above).

Yes… but I don't know how to get them. I don’t know how long it will take. [feeling softer]

It sounds as if you're feeling worried because you're needing some encouragement and trust that you (and your family) will learn these skills. That you and Rom will learn them and be able to pass them on to your children.

Yes… sometimes I feel so discouraged. I want to learn from our mistakes. [feeling more energy]

Are you needing some hope? Some reassurance that mistakes are okay (even helpful)?

Yes. I'd like to be able to give myself a break, and to see the big picture rather than focusing on all the things that go wrong.

It sounds like you're needing some recognition for all that you have already learned and are learning.

Yes! We are learning! [I felt a big sense of relief — almost like laughter. I sat quietly to see if there was anything else judgment needed to say, and when nothing came up, I did the last part of the exercise.]

And when your need for recognition is met, what other, deeper need is met?

Hope.

And when your need for hope is met, what other, deeper need is met?

Happiness, togetherness, ease.

And when your needs for happiness, togetherness, and ease are met, how do you feel?

I feel great! Excited.

* ~ *

And at that, I got up from the computer and walked down the stairs, ready and wanting to see my crazy, kooked-out son.

Self-connection is the term my NVC teacher uses, and I think it can be misleading, implying that all you need to do is connect to yourself. But the point, for me, is to connect with myself so I can connect with others, the people here in front of me, in my house, across the street, around the world.

If I am tangled up in the stuff of self, I am often feeling overwhelmed, inflexible, reactive. By offering open, nonjudgmental presence to that stuff, those feelings have the opportunity to be heard and subside/transform... Then I'm free to return to the present moment, to step back into the flow of life, into the flow of how things really are. I am free to be present to life, and I'm available to the people and beings around me.

When I first began going to therapy and taking nonviolent communication classes, I kept having these persistent thoughts that I was being indulgent, myopic, and wasting everyone’s time. I still have this thought every once in a while (in Hakomi, this voice would be a "part"). But ultimately, I realize that there are some tools that I am missing, tools that can help me show up for life.

I'm beginning to understand that it is when I am not aware that I have a higher change of being indulgent, myopic, and squandering the chance we’ve all been given: To be here, really here, together.

"The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it."

~ Sri Nisargadatta ~

Do you do any self-connecting techniques? Please share! Also, if you try any of these, please come back and tell us about it!

* ~ * If you want to do a little reading about nonviolent communication, focusing and Hakomi therapy, here are a few things to get you started... * ~ *

Respectful Parents, Respecful Kids (book) by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (book) by Marshall Rosenberg
NVC Online Academy

"Searching for the Truth," an article about Focusing by David Rome
Overview of Focusing (includes lots of links), a page by Scott Noelle

The Hakomi Method, an explanation from the Hakomi Institute

(You might have noticed that some of the book links go to my amazon store. If you were thinking of purchasing through Amazon, consider doing it through my store. I will use all the proceeds to purchase food and donate it to local food banks.)

This post is part of my Practicing Peace series:

Introduction
Mindfulness
Mindfulness (continued)
Self-connection
Self-connection (continued)
Meditation
How to Meditate

photo by mindfulness

Read more...

Practicing Peace: Self-Connection

This is the fourth post in my series Practicing Peace, in which I am sharing some of the practices I do throughout my days, including mindfulness, self-connection, and meditation. See the end of this post for links to all the posts in the series.

The mindfulness practices help me get through each moment at a time, but if there is something larger that’s contributing to my unease, I try to evaluate for that and address it. Some of these are simple external things (am I hungry? tired?) and some are more complex internal/emotional issues (what fundamental belief is being challenged right now by the way my child is acting?).

Let’s start with the simple one.

Physical Needs
My sister-in-law once had a big list, scrawled in crayon on a big piece of craft paper, on her refrigerator that said something like:

EAT
DRINK WATER
TAKE VITAMINS
DRINK TEA/CAFFEINE
GET OUTSIDE
CALL SOMEONE
START OVER

They were reminders to herself to take care of her basic needs before trying to barrel through whatever situation was at hand. Whenever she felt overwhelmed, she would look at her list.

I loved it, and I immediately adopted it.

(Have you noticed that nothing on my list is something I made up? I am so grateful that this information has come to me from so many sources.)

Whenever I am feeling a bit rushed, disoriented, and inflexible, my check-in looks like:

:: Do I need to eat something?

:: Drink some water. (I can always use more water.)

:: Am I feeling more tired than usual? Can I think of some simple, low-energy ways for me and the kids to connect? (Reading in bed, anyone?)

:: Is there a source of noise that I can minimize? Can I wear earplugs? (I am really sensitive to loud noises and multiple noises.)

:: Is there a lot of visual clutter that might be contributing my overwhelm? What’s one single task I can do that will help?

:: Am I too hot or cold?

:: Have we been in the house a long time?

Sometimes I try to sit quietly for a just a moment before trying to figure out what’s going on and sometimes I just shovel food in my mouth so I can feel a little more sane before trying to figure anything else out (I have low blood sugar and food is often needed to help me get centered).

I just remembered that a couple of years ago Orlando and I made a list together... I asked him, "What can we do when we're feeling kooked-out and overwhelmed?" We wrote his ideas and put them on the fridge. I think I'm going to do that again!

Feelings and Needs
This one comes from nonviolent communication, of course. They are all about the feelings and needs! This honestly took me years to develop. I read that book by Marshall Rosenberg three times in four years and could never bring it into my daily life. The awesome NVC teacher I found changed all that.

The exercise itself sounds deceptively simple… try to identify your feelings and needs and make requests rather than going around acting unaware, triggered, grouchy and making demands. (Or maybe that’s just me.)

But that's like saying, just start speaking French, immédiatement. And it’s pretty hard to say anything in French if you don’t know the first thing about the language…

So what do you do before you speak? You listen, you absorb, you practice, you sound like a fool. But pretty soon, you’re standing around your kitchen, saying, “When you throw your brother to the ground like that, I feel totally sad and stressed! I want to help you both feel safe. Would you be willing to ask for my help next time?”

A lot of people poo-poo NVC, but if the alternative is saying, “Knock it off! How many times have I told you to stop! What is wrong with you?!” and the response is cold-eyed, dirty looks from my six-year-old and dazed sadness from my three-year-old, I’ll take the NVC, please.

I've also heard the complaint that NVC can sometimes feel manipulative, and I would agree. But the problem isn't with NVC itself but with the fact the person using it is still focused on getting the other person to change and thinking about what they don't want.

What I like about NVC is its ability to help me become accountable for my own feelings and needs and to get in touch with my beautiful vision of how things could be. If an inspired request comes from that, great. But there are many times that I don’t actually make a request of another person; rather I end up changing my own behavior or shifting the way I've been relating to things.

Listening In
This is a process that incorporates Hakomi Therapy/Focusing and a body-scanning technique I learned in my nonviolent communication class.

Basically, the exercise is to sit quietly and let your body settle. Sit for as many minutes as you would like, and then turn your attention to the core of your body, letting it know that you’re ready to listen. Sit with your eyes closed and sense if there is any part of your body that draws your attention.

Put your hand on that part of your body, and ask it (silently or aloud) to tell you what it is feeling and needing. Or you might just let it know that you’re willing to listen and see what it says. Sometimes just a word appears that explains how it feels, such as "heavy," "stuck," "jumpy."

Also check back with the part that the words match what is going on. Sometimes you can feel an energetic shift, a relief, just like how your kids can respond when you truly listen to them/offer your presence. You can reassure the part that your hear what it is saying.

An example from my life was a very tense upper back after a particularly stressful family emergency a few months ago. The pain was acute, so my attention went there. When I placed my hand there and silently asked what it was feeling, the response was, “Sad,” and when I asked what it needed, I heard, “Warmth, comfort.” I had gone days noticing my aching back but had never taken the time to actually listen and follow-up on what it might need.

Another example is that there was something going on with my eye recently, and when I settled in to listen, I didn’t hear a response but instead saw a specific image of an event from two years ago. I have a therapist that I can follow-up with these things about, but you could journal or contemplate them on your own or ask for guidance in a dream, or whatever woo-woo thing you want.

I’ll cover the last self-connecting technique in the next post.

* ~ * Please consider donating your old laptops or cell phones to the relief efforts in Haiti. First, read Mon's post about her neighbor (whose husband is a UN Peacekeeper in Haiti) and then read the article about donating. Thank you.

And two posts on using meditation and energy work to send goodwill to the people in Haiti... from Awake Is Good and woowoo mama. * ~ *

This post is part of my Practicing Peace series:
Introduction
Mindfulness
Mindfulness (continued)
Self-connection
Self-connection (continued)
Meditation
How to Meditate

(You might have noticed that some of the book links go to my amazon store. If you were thinking of purchasing through Amazon, consider doing it through my store. I will use all the proceeds to purchase food and donate it to local food banks.)

photo by mindfulness

Read more...

Practicing Peace: Mindfulness (continued)

This is the third post in my series Practicing Peace, in which I am sharing some of the practices I do throughout my days, including mindfulness, self-connection, and meditation. See the end of this post for links to all the posts in the series.

Here are the last of mindfulness practices. You can read about the first four techniques here.

Soft-Belly
I learned this one when I first began to meditate, but then I learned it again from Erin's daughter over at Exhale. Return to Center. We do this one on our own or remind each other to "find our soft bellies" whenever we're melting down or blowing up.

Finding a soft belly is just like it sounds. You can try it right now.

Bring your attention to your belly... relax your stomach muscles... and now breathe in, feeling your breath filling your belly. Let your belly rise and fall with each breath.

Now, go back to how you were sitting before. Breathe in without the intention of having a soft belly.

Notice a difference?

I mainly use soft-belly as a silent reminder to myself throughout the day... just checking in and letting my stomach relax can cause a huge energy shift for me. I've also used it when I notice my stress rising, for example, if I am nursing Mica to sleep (or reading yet another book) and I’m starting to feel antsy or stressed about it, I sometimes take a breath and focus on relaxing my belly. It helps ground the energy of all of us.

I have also used it with Mica (who is three years old) when he has gone beyond being upset or angry and is in complete distress. While holding him physically and also holding space for him emotionally, I’ve whispered to him, "Soft belly, honey. Where's your soft belly?" It has helped him stop the airless sobbing and get a good, deep breath in. I continue holding him and tell him that I'm listening. Sometimes he will burst into tears again, and that is okay. I am not trying to get him to stop crying but rather to help him get in touch with his center, even if for just a moment.

Flip-Switch
The exercise is adapted from the book Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting.* Whenever I feel myself becoming irritated and the urge to control another person (e.g., "Be quiet!" "Get down!" "Stop bugging your brother!" "Move over." et al.) arises within me, I think of a part of my body that I appreciate, and bring my attention to it. I have a list of thirty things about myself that I can use, from my fingernails to my eyeballs to my small intestines, and I use one a day. It’s really sort of goofy. But it’s been working for me.

By spending just those few moments focused on a part of my body, my irritation is often gone by the time I get back to the thing at hand. Either the stimulus is gone (my kid has moved on to something else) or I am feeling much more open and available to handle it kindly.

Here's an example: I was heading upstairs to get clothes for the kids, and I heard a bang and a cry (sounded like Orlando). My first response was irritation and exasperation. We had spent the morning crashing into each other, literally and metaphorically, and I was tired of it. As I walked down the stairs, I turned my attention to my flip-switch that day (my stomach), taking time to breathe deeply while I walked (I could tell by the cry that he wasn’t seriously injured) and by the time I arrived to Orlando, I felt ready to comfort — rather than admonish — him.

* I just made my first foray in to the world of the Law of Attraction (on which the book Excuse Me… is based), and I found some things that resonated (but mostly in the books written by Jerry and Esther Hicks). However, I still feel a bit wary of the whole thing because I think the ideas can easily be misinterpreted and misapplied. There is a huge and important energetic difference between I must not think negative thoughts, quick, think of something positive! and something like Here I am seething negativity simply out of habit... I am going to try my flip-switch... my ears. My ears. I am grateful that I have them, that I can hear, that they help me balance. I am going to rest my attention there.... Ears. My interpretation of Buddhist thought and the Law of Attraction is that they would recommend the latter tone, and in any case, that’s the one that works best for me.

Trigger Withdrawal
I learned this one in my nonviolent communication class. The idea is to use your senses to help bring you back from feeling triggered. So, while you’re feeling triggered, try to focus on what you are seeing, smelling, hearing, tasting, feeling (sense of touch). Here’s an example: Rom and I were sitting on the couch, holding hands, and our conversation took a serious turn (good, but serious). However, we didn't get very far before the kids came in and started freaking out — Mica actually started crying, saying he wanted Papa to play with him. I guess they could feel the deepness of the moment and responded in kind. We tried to distract and engage them, but that was mostly Rom because I was busy self-connecting with how disappointed and bitter I felt about getting interrupted. I used the trigger withdrawal to help me not run away with my thoughts of “We never have any time. How can we have a healthy relationship under these circumstances?” I noticed what I was seeing (kids throwing pillows on each other), what I was feeling (my hands), what I was hearing (screeching and laughing) etc., and I could feel the irritation running its course underneath. Rom was trying to talk to me but I remained focused on self-connecting because I realized that anything I would say would be snappish and not helpful. To choose self-connection over responding was revolutionary to me.


Most mindfulness techniques help me because they shift my awareness to something that is undeniably here and now, and that helps ground me and create a refuge from which to watch my emotions. Anything that is in the past or future has a way of fading away… I might still hear myself thinking “They never clean up!” or “If only I hadn’t said that!” but there is some distance, a distance which paradoxically serves to create a sense of tenderness. I feel like my mind slows down while letting the emotion I am experiencing move through me more fully (as opposed to getting wrapped up in my thoughts and my emotional reactions to those thoughts).

So, rather than thinking “I wish I hadn’t said that! I am so terrible. I'm failing, harming my children…” and feeling a deep, heavy sinking feeling, I might actually just notice my hands (placing my attention there, feeling coolness or whatever) while letting the emotion of remorse or sadness (a welling-up feeling, tingly cheeks) about what I said occur.

And, one more thing… I am very careful not to use these practices to admonish myself or to interrupt an emotion that is genuinely running its course. I never use these with the intent of stopping an emotion; my intent is always to inhibit myself from taking actions while angry. I simply want to stop myself until I am ready to handle the situation constructively.

I was at a day-long meditation retreat yesterday and the teacher talked about mindfulness. She shared that the Buddha originally taught that mindfulness is three-pronged...

:: We remember and reflect on our past behavior, and notice what has been harmonious and what has been harmful, and we choose to feed what has been harmonious and let go of what has been harmful.

:: We experience the fullness, and the reality, of the present moment.

:: We create an intention for our future (this is not the same as an admonishment or a resolution... it is more like "May I be...").

I find that the mindfulness practices, but also self-connection and meditation, are an integral part of this process. These practices feed my awareness; my awareness helps me clearly see my behavior; seeing clearly allows remorse; remorse gives rise to my intention; my intention creates the possibility for healing.

This cycle is neverending. I am not healed, but I am healing. I feel this cycle moving through me or I through it, and I am realizing — I'm hoping — that it will be going on for a long time.

So, phew! That’s it for the mindfulness techniques I’ve tried. What are some you use to help you stay present and connected? 

If you don't currently have a practice, why not choose one and see how it goes? I'd love to hear about it!

And stay tuned for the next post, which is about self-connecting when there is something deeper going on.

* ~ * If you want to do a little reading about mindfulness, here are a few to get you started... * ~ *

Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everday Life by Thich Naht Hanh
Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Naht Hanh
Meditation Research Roundup, a short article about the brain-meditation connection

(You might have noticed that some of the book links go to my amazon store. If you were thinking of purchasing through Amazon, consider doing it through my store. I will use all the proceeds to purchase food and donate it to local food banks.)

This post is part of my Practicing Peace series:

Introduction
Mindfulness
Mindfulness (continued)
Self-connection
Self-connection (continued)
Meditation
How to Meditate

photo by mindfulness

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